Sweet, sweet beer

Isn't a cold beer just when you really want one absolutely delightful? I was a bit thirsty, bro asked me if I wanted a cup of tea but I didn't. Bro then asked if I wanted anything from the shop and I suddenly decided I wanted a nice cold bottle of Bud. So here I am supping on a cold one. Nectar. And I've just been reading some rather saucy CSI slash fic so my senses are somewhat, er, heightened as it is. Cold, delicious amber fluid gushing down the back of my throat. Oh goooooood! Heh, heh, heh.

I'm such a lazy cow at the mo. I've done bugger all this weekend apart from having a bit of a spending spree in M&S yesterday. A rather lovely pair of pjs, some saucy underwear and a black t-shirt was what I bought. I just wish I had someone to wear the saucy underwear for. Oops, there go my hormones again. So, yeah, laziness. I've developed a terrible habit on the weekends for getting up late. And I mean really late. I'm awake at a reasonable time but feel more content to lie there for a couple of hours or watch TV or read rather than actually get up & do something. I blame winter. I spend my weekdays like most people, turning off the alarm clock & hiding under the duvet from the inevitability of getting up & out in cold weather so that when it comes to the weekend I just want to languish like a spoiled tart. Trouble is I feel guilty for not getting up early enough to do something constructive. And what's worse is that the later I get up, the less time there is to do stuff and the quicker the weekend seems to go. And all too soon its Monday morning again and its raining & cold and I have to get up. Such is life. Next weekend I'll get up early. I promise.

Been thinking alot about friendships lately. About good ones & bad ones & who means what to me. About people I know well, or thought I knew, and people I barely know at all. One friend I've known for a very long time has given me cause to think alot lately. I've always got along fine with him but for the last few months he's been saying things that've made me question our friendship. Not directed at me. Casual racism & homophobia that I've either been oblivious to before or he's only just decided to say openly. And yes, he does know I'm gay. I know I should just cut him out of my life or at least tell him that I don't approve of his comments. So why haven't I? Why am I being such a chickenshit about it?

Another event that got me thinking was a meet up with a complete bunch of strangers a couple of weekends ago. Met one chap who I just hit it off with immediately and we were soon telling each other our secrets. A couple of other chaps there too who I got on with great. A bunch of other people arrived & suddenly I was back to my shy & introverted self. Like the past couple of hours had never happened. No-one did anything wrong but suddenly I felt out of my depth.

Then the other week I caused an online argument amongst a couple of my friends who are a lovely bunch of people. They were so lovely and supportive of me but it alarmed me that I'd inadvertently kicked something off. Thankfully it calmed down fairly quickly, no harm done.

To top it all, last weekend I went to another friend's party which started off ok but went a bit downhill towards the end. Most people there I didn't know very well. The only one I did know was the hostess who I've known for a very long time and we have a bit of a history. Not all of it good but to say its water under the bridge would be akin to saying Shakespeare was 'Old School'. Didn't stop her dragging it up again at the most perplexing of moments ie just when she was crying on my shoulder expecting me to sympathise. Add to that a couple of snide remarks over the evening and a less than sympathetic treatment of one of her other friends who is going though a very rough patch and I was left in no doubt as to who my real friends are.

I haven't drawn many conclusions from all this but I do know I was being silly for doubting myself as a consequence of the meet up with those complete strangers. I also have no doubt how far I've come, grown up & how much I've changed in 17 years. And most of all I've come to appreciate that the majority of my friends are absolutely wonderful and far outweigh the number of assholes I know. The most wonderful being my best friend Ingrid. To all of those wonderful friends I say a big heartfelt 'Thank You' and give my biggest, bone crushing bear hug.