Why am I so fucking crap?

WARNING: Late night, drunken, self pitying diatribe ahead.

Orville and I have something in common. No, not green fur and a bloke's hand up our bums but we're both very shy.

I've spent approx 1 1/2 hours in the Spirit Bar in Manchester attempting to overcome that shyness with rather rubbish results. I don't know whether its obvious to other people but sometimes takes a supreme effort of will for me to talk to people. Not people I know and have known for a long time who I'm accustomed to but complete strangers. I'm not entirely sure whether I come across as confident but if I do I must be a better actress than I give myself credit for. Today I managed to get talking to a couple of people at the con as I mentioned before. They were sat in the bar and I asked them if they were at the con and if it had been that quiet all day. When they replied I asked if I could sit with them and we had a good chin wag, easy enough to do since they were both pretty chatty and friendly. I even managed to ask a few questions in the interview panel which is not like me at all.

Tonight has been a different kettle of fish. That particular couple weren't there which was a bummer. I stood on my own for a few minutes, knowing that if I didn't want the evening to be a complete wash out I was going to have to pluck up the courage to talk to someone. There were some spare seats next to some girls and I asked if I could sit with them. So far so good. I tried to start conversations with them but the music was so bloody loud and they weren't the chatty types. They wandered off after a bit. I wondered if I should offer the spare seats to a couple of folks standing behind. In the end I plumped for a lady who, like myself, was on her own and not really managing to chat to anyone. We had a conversation of sorts. She was over from Iowa for the con, had had her pic taken with a few of the stars etc. When I went to the bar I got chatting to another girl from the US and when I went back to my seat the first set of girls had come back and I divided my time between the one sat nearest to me and the lady from Iowa.

After a while the conversation dried up. The guests were leaving (the two Julies and Di Barker) and Iowa lady went over to say bye to them. Suddenly from the middle of the crowd Victoria Allcock (Julie S) caught my eye whereupon she waved and blew me a little kiss saying she'd see me tomorrow. Mind you, she was waving to everyone and blowing kisses but just for that moment I felt more included than I had done all night. Bless her heart. Sadly that was about it for my night. The first lot of girls left too and Iowa lady followed not long after. I then decided it had all been a bit too much for me and left the bar.

So to the title of the post. Why am I so fucking crap? Why do I turn tail and run when social situations get too awkward for me?

Its like when I was at a Dr Who convention in London a few years ago and Paul Cornell introduced me to TheActressMaggieStables. She was ever so lovely, asking me where I'd travelled from etc but I was just too inept and after a while I made some lame ass excuse and ran away. I'm always making lame ass excuses and running away. Many years ago a male friend told me that several people we knew found me stand-offish. I was mortified. I told him the truth. It wasn't that I didn't like anybody, I was just so cripplingly shy that I found it difficult to talk to people sometimes. Since then I've tried to make an effort to overcome my shyness. Unfortunately every time I think I've come on in leaps and bounds I have a night like tonight and I feel like I'm back at square one.

Its not always the case that I'm socially inept. Sometimes I can just hit it off with someone immediately and its like we've known each other for years. Like the other time at a Dr Who con when I met TheActorPhilipMadoc and his wife. I felt so comfortable with them and particularly Mrs Madoc (not Ruth btw, this was his second wife) that by the end of the weekend when they gave me a big hug and a kiss, I felt like part of the family. And then there's the time when I went to my friends' wedding and got on like the proverbial house on fire with one of the bride's work mates. So much so that she was talking about us all going for a girly night out in Liverpool and I could stay at her house if I liked.

One of the chaps at the theatre I go to explained this to me once. There's some technical term for it that I can't remember. Its something to do with certain people who can tune into other people's personalities straight away and use that in such a way that makes the other person feel very comfortable. If anyone reading this knows what the hell I'm blathering on about and can tell me the name of that theory then please leave a comment. I gather its something in a psychology type vein.

I felt terribly depressed on the way home tonight. Bizarrely, its not like I'm short of friends. Somehow I must have managed to get round my shyness enough that I've got quite a wide social circle. God knows how. I texted my gorgeous best mate who told me she thought I was ever so brave going to such functions where I don't know anyone. And she can talk hind legs off donkeys! She also told me not to feel so depressed. I do feel lots better now. By the time I've got a night's sleep it'll all be behind me and I'll wonder what all the fuss was about.

And talking of a nights sleep I've probably cured any readers I have of any remnants of insomnia so I'll sign off with a thankyou to bessie mate for being so utterly lovely as usual and to TheActressVickyAllcock for blowing me that kiss.