Love and hate (and monsters)

Well, my mood today has been up and down like a whore's drawers. But then that's what its been like for a few months, god bless hormones. Been shopping and mooching around Manchester today and for most of the time felt strangely elated. Full of the joys of the world. Didn't let setbacks get me down, shared the love with complete strangers and all that. Not in a saucy way just being, oh I don't know, nice... charitable. Not that I'm nasty the rest of the time or anything. Bought some pretty undies and some nice pyjama type things that I'm wearing right now from M&S, had a nice healthy lunch at Caffe Nero and later an iced mocha and piece of cake at Starbucks and didn't let the fact that my order at SBs was missed and I was waiting a long time get me down. No sirree. But suddenly on the bus home my thoughts turned to love and a certain person in my life who's been mentioned here before. And I got a bit maudlin and emotional. Why do I always fall for unavailable women? I really wish I knew the answer to that. I'm sure I read something a few months ago that made sense. Probably something on Outpost Gallifrey... they're an insightful lot they are. Something to do with it being safe falling for someone unavailable... bah, I'll go back and find the post. I can honestly say I love her. I'm not sure I'm in love with her.... is it possible to be borderline between the two? A big part of that is that I'm suppressing my feelings as much as I can for fear of getting hurt. Been there a few times and its bloody shite.

Uh, anyway the result of that today has been that I texted a psychic hotline type thing. Yes, yes... foolhardy I know but I went into it with my eyes open. Well, slightly hooded maybe. I knew that I may be wasting my money on a load of old bollocks but I thought that even if the 'psychic' wasn't psychic at all they may be insightful enough to offer some advice or at least some comfort. First question was, "Does X feel the same way about me as I do about her?" (gave her full name in the text btw). The answer was that she was 'interested' so why not make a move & tell her how I feel? Oooh risky business that. I've done that before & it didn't turn out well. Second question, "Is she attracted to me sexually?", answer that there's a chemistry there and she (X - not the psychic) feels this quite strongly. I'm not sure if its wishful thinking on my part but yes, there is some chemistry between us. Next question - the biggie, "Are we destined to be together?". Answer - I must be patient, if I want a future with her I can steer it that way gradually. Do I see that its possible for me to get what I want and that I'm being guided by my spirit guide? Hmm not sure about that one. I've kind of got that feeling anyway but again there's the self doubt that its just wishful thinking. I decided to test the psychic a little, I asked if my spirit guide had a name. I've read before how you're supposed to ask and I think I know - I wanted to see if he/she came up with the same answer. Crafty bugger said that I had to find that out for myself. Ah well. I thanked him/her and that was it. On a final, positive note I'm glad that he/she didn't then reply again and left it at that. Now they could have sent me another message which I would have been charged for but they didn't. Interesting. It remains to be seen if I get text spammed from now on.

In other news I made a bit of a big decision last week. I mentioned some time ago that I was unhappy with a particular 'friend' who'd been making racist and homophobic comments. I finally decided not to be in their company anymore - that I had more self respect than that. I didn't make a fuss, didn't confront them or anything, just left quietly. I wasn't sure if that was a cowardly thing or not, not telling them how I felt but that was what I wanted to do at the time. No mess, no fuss, no bother. Another friend later told me that they'd said I stormed off in a huff. Well, if that wasn't an indication that I'd made the right decision then I don't know what was. How pathetic. To blatantly lie like that, overdramatise something that they didn't even witness (they'd gone to the bar at the time - I left before they came back)... how utterly utterly childish. Not sure what it says of me that I was more annoyed by that than by the original comments. Hey ho.

And no I don't care that they might read this. Or that mutual friends may read this. If you can't stand the heat...don't be a bigoted twat. Not even in jest.

And on a last positive note, Dr Who tonight was fucking superb. I shed a little tear at the end and I don't get emotional about telly on the whole. The last time I got teary over Dr Who was at the ending of 'Girl in the Fireplace'. I didn't even cry at the Sarah Jane episode. Hats off to you Mr Cornell and a bloody big Ascot stylee hat off to Jessica Hynes who was also absolutely fucking superb. A star in the ascendant there.